It Was Always You
by DesolateMoondust
Summary: This is a one-off set after Skins Fire, with Naomi thinking about her life and being with her love, Emily.


**This was really hard for me to write, but like many of you out there, it needed to be done. God knows Naomi and Emily did not deserve this end, and it damn well nearly destroyed me writing this. But its an outlet, so it had to be done. **

**Contains spoilers for Skins Fire.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Skins. Rating this M for language and because of the sheer nature of this piece. I warn, this does not contain a happy ending. This is from Naomi's perspective.  
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* * *

I knew the first time I saw her that she was special. Call it instinct, call it madness, but I knew. I felt it in me, or more accurately, course through me like a flame setting fire to the truth. It spread simultaneously through every fiber of my existence to the point that I could not deny it - even though I went on to ignore it to everyone in a ridiculous attempt to appear rational, I knew it was in me.

This was it for me, and I knew that it would be reciprocated. I hadn't known how, whether it was when our eyes met or whether it was in the manner she addressed me, but I knew: this was a connection that was instantaneous. Sickenly so, because even though I was only 12, I managed to push it away, professing ignorance in the face of something that was and remains to be, quite frankly, beautiful. A love so easy, so fucking idyllic, that I managed to turn it into something completely toxic and complicated.

Looking back now, I feel like all those years have been wasted, up until the end of college, anyway. I should have fought for her; for us. I felt it - I feel it. It's always been there, and it will remain here until my last breath, this much I am sure. I am positive that she will be the last ember in my life, and I will burn until the very end for her. I will fight, even though I know it is pointless now. I hope not, but I hold on. I love her. And this is embedded in me, as much as it is in her. It entwines us so finely, that I wonder what will happen once it is severed. We tether each other, and I worry what will become of her once I'm gone. Will she be okay? Will she live her life - love - and be happy? It's all I've ever wanted for her. I've always wanted to protect her, and I can't protect her from this. How can I when I'm the one causing this.

"Ems."

"Mm?" She lowers the magazine to her lap, her eyes focused solely on me. She itches away from the seat, as if by sheer need to be near me. It doesn't even take a breath before she's across and directly in front of me and shifting the blanket to place herself right down next to me. Her arms gently encompass me, holding me as if I am breakable - I guess I am. I muster a small smile, though inside it feels much broader. If only my body would be able to convey just how I truly feel, but I'm so weak that I can barely function anymore.

"Naoms?" I look to Emily, her face resting on her elbow as her free hand runs softly up and down my back, soothing me. The gesture always makes me feel so calm. I exhale barely and look into her eyes that are so full of concern and love; I can't imagine the day that I won't be looking back. Yet, I know it will be soon.

"I love you." How can saying these words hurt me so much? Every breath I take, every move, every inclination, it takes it out of me. It actually pains me to speak. She shifts her body upwards slightly; using her shoulder to brace herself against the bed as she moves her hand to caress my face, her thumb gingerly traces my terribly paling skin. I see the faint smile of which I know so well.

"I know." Two words can encapsulate so much history, so much warmth, that it renders me inconsolable. I feel my lip quiver, so cracked and dry that I wonder why she ever kisses me anymore; I must look such a state.

"Hey, baby.." She leans close, our foreheads meeting together. She looks at me with those eyes that just undo me, you know? That hold everything; our past, our present, and still without a doubt, our future. Still holds belief that I will get better, even though the signs state otherwise. Even though I've officially be diagnosed as terminal, Emily remains undeterred. She absolutely believes we are stronger than this; than disease, than poverty, than war - than death. That we, Naomi and Emily, are a force that cannot be reckoned with. As if our love is extraordinary in the face of such travesties.

"I know.. I mean." I stop, feeling breathless, unable say anything coherent. It's frustrating. I know what I am thinking, but words fail me. She's so patient as she watches me, be it with worried eyes. She allows me to take a moment, her hand trailing behind my head to play with the loose hairs that remain. It makes my eyes flutter closed for a moment, as it's something she would always do when my hair was long. It makes me exhale lightly and open my eyes.

"Remember when I said I was 12.." She simply nods softly, her eyes unwavering, watching in earnest. I take a couple more breaths, trying so much to get this out.

"I came to positively adore you.. Without even exchanging one word.. All it took were your eyes.. Like right now." The smile that graces her face beckons me to continue, to attempt to keep it there forever. But forever was not with us no more, and with this inward reminder, I proceed, remembering my intent.

"It was immediate.. What I felt and.. What I continue.. to feel. It's still as bright.. as that day, if not stronger." I see the tears glisten in her eyes, a mixture of pure happiness and utter despair. It's an odd combination, and it saddens me to be revealing such truth under these circumstances. But I know that if I don't get it out now, then these solemn vows will always remain with me until I die - and that's something I just cannot deprive her of. It's something she should know.

"The entirety.. of what I feel.. about you, us.. It's everything. It's always been everything.. I was never afraid of loving you.. I was afraid of loving you too much.. Of allowing it completely in.. Had I known... Had I... I would never have fought.. I would have.. I.." Somehow through my exhaustion and dehydration, I feel a tear slide down my cheek. It's not until Emily wipes it that I notice that she is crying too, my eyes too blurry for me to know.

"I thought I had time... I thought I was allowed mistakes.. To learn... To grow, with you. To love you.. To be with you... To have a home.. A life... Marriage... Kids." I feel her hands clutch my form violently to the point I want to scream, but I merely grunt, for I know this is hurting her too - if not more.

"Little Emily's.. running around... With warm brown eyes... Christ." It was not until after college that I allowed myself to dream, to truly imagine a life with Emily: an entire future where anything and everything was possible. And I discovered like every goddamn person on this planet, that I wanted it all. I was not immune to love, and I was not immune to all of the typical dreams that humans aspire to have.

"I.. When your internship was.." I could feel my breath become shallow, it becoming harder to breathe as my sight clears. I look to Emily who slightly panics, her cheeks wet and crimson with emotion. She runs her shaking hands up and down my arms, trying to smooth over the bruises she now left.

"I wanted to.. marry you, Emily. I was going.. to propose. The ring… It's… It's in my drawer.. at home.." I weakly announce, unable to meet her eye, feeling slightly embarrassed about it, though I'm not quite sure why. After a beat of silence and sniffing, my eyes involuntarily dart back to the gorgeous face of my girlfriend, and see the disbelief on her face. It makes me chuckle, if only lightly. She's so stunned; I don't think she's breathing.

"Em.. Breathe. It's not THAT much of a shock."

"Like hell it's not. A proposal by one Miss Naomi Campbell: self-professed hater of the institution of marriage because it's nothing more than-"

"Okay, okay.. I get your point.." She smiles at me, using her sleeve to rid of the tears that stain her beautiful face. I try to move my left arm but do not find the strength. I groan in frustration.

"Its okay, Naoms." I watch as her eyes melt into mine, such gentle eyes that captivate me to no end.

"I just wanted you to know... That in my head.. I built a life with you.. You wasn't alone in this.. It was never one-sided.. I was always there with you.. With the plans.. With it all. I wanted it all."

"I know.. And we'll have it all one day."

"Em."

"Naoms." I sigh softly, turning my head so I can disconnect our eyes from one another. It's too much. I end up always so smothered in her, in her truth and belief. Reality doesn't work that way.

"Just because you.. you will for me.. For us. Doesn't mean.. Doesn't mean I-"

"You can, Naomi. Just fight." She makes it sound so simple, as if I actually have an option in this. I haven't it in me to fight anymore, nor can I simply resign to her fairytale. I'm so torn. I just have to say it.

"I can fight all I want.. And I will.. Until I can't.. Because no matter wh-what, I'm still dying."

"Nao-"

"Emily, please.. Just... I'm dying, right now... I can't stop that. I physically cannot stop that.. It's going to happen. I have no choice."

"You do!" I feel the weight shift from the bed, and the coldness is quick to enclose me. I shift forward with such terrible slumber. My left arm moves slightly in front of me, as if my hand has a mind of its own, and desires to trace the now empty space that Emily once occupied. Though it is quiet, I know it is only the stillness before the storm.

"You CAN fight this, Naomi. I know you can! If anyone can beat this, it's you! You're so goddamn stubborn, and you never back down no matter what. It's like that time you wanted to climb that bloody hill in Goa just so you could see the sunset. It wasn't enough to experience it on the beach, nooo: Miss I-Want-To-See-The-Sunset-From-The-Steep-Bloody-Mountain. You just wouldn't take no for an answer. And even though by the time we reached the fucking top we missed the sunset, you fucking burst out laughing and said-"

"-'there's always next time'." I finish for her, which ceases her incessant footsteps. The pacing had begun to make me sick, so I'm glad that she now just she stands there, hands falling to her sides. The forlorn look on her face makes me crumble.

"You remember that?" Of course. Fuck, Emily. She has no idea.

"I remember everything." After a moment I can't help but laugh. It comes out pathetically short and throaty, but it's enough.

"How can I forget that.. You were so pissed... Banned sex.."

"For all but five minutes." I see the familiar glint enter her eyes, the fire; the intensity.

"You never could resist me." A small smirk corrupts my lips, remembering the memory rather fondly. Wasn't one of our gracious sessions, but it was passionate nevertheless.

"I never can." I acknowledge her tenses, and it makes me sad, because I'm already there, and she refuses to even start.

"My arse hurt for like a week after that." I confess with a snort, which makes me choke out a feeble laugh, one that's not all too convincing. I try to convey how very sorry I am with my eyes: eyes that once used to shine so fucking bright. So blue, so eager to see brown ones.

"Yeah well, at least it wasn't as bad as the beach. I've never had so much sand near my vagina before." I begin to laugh, keeling over upon remembering, which causes a coughing fit. Emily moves on over, bringing over one of those hospital white plastic cups towards me. I allow the water to quill my thirst, fortunate for it ending my coughing fit. She softly pats my back and places the now empty cup down, and returns to me, guiding me softly back to the bed. She takes her place back down beside me, pulling me close, being careful not to interfere with my IV drip and wires.

"The most awkward time.. Has to be.. When we were back at yours.. And your mum came home early." I see Emily cringe, which leaves a smile tugging at the corner of my mouth.

"That was too close.. Argh, she had the worst timing too."

"I recall you being.. so very... very... Argh, I can't... Words."

"Shh, it's okay. Just rest."

"I can't."

"You can, just close your eyes babe." Although I don't want to, I feel my eyes close against my will. It's something that I've come to accept, I just wish that Emily would too. I have no control of my body anymore. It's completely separate from my brain, heart, and true core. I wish there was a way to fight this, to actively beat this fucking Cancer, but I'm incapable of such strength. It's too late. I haven't it in me to. I just wish... I just. I wish.. Emily.

* * *

It's today. I feel it as my eyes open. I feel so tired, I can hardly believe it. I need Emily. She has to be here, she has to know. I need to say goodbye. I need, fuck. Emily. Emily. EMILY.

I'm met with silence and a dark room. Am I dead already? Fuck. Its then that the door squeaks open and in comes the brown haired goddess, holding what looks like shit cafeteria tea. I try to speak, I really fucking do. When did it become so hard? I try to swallow but there's nothing, not a drop. No saliva left, just nothing. She must not know that I'm awake because she sits down on the chair opposite and blows on the tea; such a simple thing, such an innocent and mundane instance - but it's so beautiful to me. She's so fucking precious; I wish I could watch her forever. I wish I could watch her giggle. I wish I could watch her turn angry. I wish I could watch her turn older every year. I wish I could watch her grow old. I wish I could accompany her through every stage in life and I just wish I could get to watch her breath cascade over some shitty hospital tea one last fucking time. But this is it. I feel it in my bones. Death gnaws at me like an ugly beast, and I'm so fucking afraid. I wasn't before, but I am now. I don't want to leave her. I want to love her, I want to be here. Right here with her. I want this life, a complete one, where I can grow with her and fucking die of old age, surrounded by her, in the comfort of our bed.

I try to move, I try to speak, I try to do ANYTHING, but it results to nothing. Eventually I manage a grunt out of pure annoyance because even though I'm dying, I'm still fucking irritated by this and I wouldn't be me if I wasn't bothered by something. And fortunately it's enough because she looks up at me, and it registers. She places the drink down slowly.

"Naoms, you awake hun?" She's so fucking affectionate, so fucking fragile in that chair, I just want to scoop her up like I used to and carry her to bed. I want nothing more than to enclose my arms around her and hold her one last time. Please.

She gets up and turns the bedside lamp on, which fucking sucks the breath out of me because now this angel is illuminated. The rays light her up so that I can see every inch of her face; so pretty, so soft, so warm. Please be here with me.

By the time I reopen my eyes, she's beside me in the bed, her arms around me, watching me. How did that happen? I can see it written all over her face, I can decipher the fear, and it's overwhelming. I want to kiss out every wrinkle that pains her face. I want to wipe away every goddamn tear that falls. I want to hold her so close that I never let her go. Please_._

My eyes open yet again and she's even closer now, I can hear her speaking but I'm not sure what she is saying. I try to focus as her hands cup my face, tenderly. Emily's hands, I've always envisioned in my own, for always. How can I ever leave this behind? I don't want to. Christ I don't want to. I try to turn my head to kiss her hand, but I merely twitch. I have no power now. I have no mobility and its killing me. This is the last time and I can't even express how I fucking feel. She must see it in my eyes, because she lowers one hand and places the palm to my lips. I can barely pucker them, how very raw they are. But I try, and she knows. She still feels me, and it's enough. Her eyes close upon the delicate action, opening them slowly to watch me yet again. It's only then that I notice the wedding band on her wedding finger, the exact same ring I had stashed away in my drawer, and it damn well near ends me right there and then. I'm so fucking tired now, but I need to hold on, Christ, I want to hold on! This isn't how it was supposed to be. This isn't fair. _Please_.

"It's okay, Naomi." She says it, but her eyes. Oh baby, your eyes always give you away, don't you know that? The pain, god. How can I leave you in so much pain? I'm so sorry. I want to stay. I want to tell you, I want to show you. I want to do something. I open my mouth to say something but nothing follows. Please, oh Christ. Please!

"Em.." Thank fuck. I have a voice still. It's so croaky, it doesn't sound like me. But it's enough. Her eyes look so adoringly at me, filled with so much grief, and so many tears, but I see the triumph in her eyes. I see the warmth and humility - the gratitude, as if thanking me for trying, thanking me for being here. Emily, god. Please.

"Close your eyes now, baby.. Rest." She says it with tears falling, trying to comfort me, and trying to console herself. She leans forward and plants several animated kisses across my face in a desperate attempt to display her love, which I feel regardless, because it is rooted within me. It's the end, and I never thought Naomi and Emily would meet an end. It's not in our nature, when I feel like we have yet to truly begin. _Please_.

"I.." It's more of an exhale, a lousy one at that, but she knows. She draws back from me, making sure to keep me close.

"I love you too. I love you so much, Naomi. You've always been it for me, babe. It's you and I, Naoms, for always. Forever.. Death won't change that. We're infinite."

Please. Please. Please. I love you. I LOVE YOU. I love you. Please. Please. Please.

"Al.. ways" I barely manage, but I'm so goddamn glad I did, because the smile she gives me fills me with so much warmth, even though I know that I am very much cold on the outside.

I feel the darkness, but I do not want it. My eyes look into hers, as if trying to remember them, so that when I see them again, I will remember and we can resume our love. Maybe we can't have it here, but in all the other universes, I think it might just be possible. God knows we deserve it. God knows Emily does. Please.

My eyes begin to close, and I just know this is my last view - and what a sight it is. Her face, the one I have gone to sleep and awaken to. The one person who knows who I am even when I denied myself. The only wonder that made me happy on Earth. She is my love, she is my all. Her brown eyes, her petite frame; her brown hair once blazing red that once set my whole world alight. She was, quite literally, my entire life. All I have ever known is Emily. And as my eyes close, it is safe to say, that all I will ever know, is Emily.

Be happy, Emily. Live a rich life, and live. Please, please. Oh _please._

Because we are Naomi and Emily, and our love will continue to exist even through death. We are just THAT extraordinary.

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**So there you go, thank you reading! **


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